Severe unworthiness and an achy back passage

If you’re wondering why I sound so lackluster when you call me, I thought you might like to hear about the side effects of the drugs I’m on. (Actually, Geohde, who is much cleverer and funnier than I, has already blogged about this, so skip straight to her account if you like. And Geohde, sorry for the copy-cattery, but for my nearest & etc – i.e the one subscriber to my blog – it may be edifying.) IVFers will be able to pinpoint my place in the cycle with, well, pinpoint accuracy, and we all know it’s a dreary and interminable place to dwell.

Anyway. The side effects are divided into very common side effects and merely common side effects:

Very common side effects

cramps, abdominal pain, perineal pain (around the genit*ls and back passage)

headache

breast enlargement or breast pain

feelings of severe sadness and unworthiness, decreased se.xual drive, sleepiness, feeling emotional

constipation, nausea

passing urine at night

Common side effects

bloating, pain

dizziness

va/ginal discharge, itching of the va/ginal area, va/ginal thrush

diarrhoea, vomiting

painful se/xual intercourse

The don’t have “Occassional side effects”, although I would suggest:

invisible doctors replacing all muscles with lead rods during night

completely rigid neck muscles combined with a certainty that something sinister is hovering directly behind head

overwhelming desire to cuddle labrador, indeed to feel lousy except when cuddling labrador, and not just any labrador, but this particular labrodor*

complete lack of interest in the result of a long-anticipated election, because all politicians seem to be snarling at each other from the boundaries of things, and it’s very depressing to searching like a desperado for points of difference

a sudden overwhelming revalation that one’s most excellent partner has made entirely the wrong choice in his romantic life. (Actually, I guess “unworthiness” kind of covers that.)

And on that, it’s “feelings of severe sadness and unworthiness” that’s my favourite. So specific. Not feelings of “severe sadness and Satrean alienation” or “feelings of severe sadness and moral confusion” or “feelings of severe sadness and conviction that the lack of democracy in selecting the UN Security Council has long been the organisation’s death warrant”? No, none of that. Unworthiness.

And, really, how many of these symptoms could simply be replaced with, “Shagging? I don’t think so, little lady”? Actually, the fact that I have to squeeze this medication up my clacker right before bedtime had already dampened my enthusiasm in the frilly knickers department. Considerably.

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*Which is sad symptom for people without access to this particular labrador to suffer.